Did you ever wonder what happened to Tori Spelling? When I was young we used to watch Bevery Hills 90210, because I had a teenage sister and these things happened. There are many things you do when you have a teenage sister in the 90s. You know all the lyrics to every New Kids on the Block Album, you appreciate football players and their chiselled features/torsos, you watch Beverly Hills 90210, and you probably fear hockey sticks.
So, Tori Spelling was a pretty big deal in the 90s. She almost definitely didn't get the part in the first place due to her dad being Aaron Spelling, but entirely because she was a genuine and talented actor in her own right, proving herself week-on-week that she had what it takes.
That's all bollocks of course.
So, if you were wondering what happened to her after 90210, you're probably a massive twat. Or a gay.
ONTO THE FILM!
Cthulhu is an attempt to adapt the Lovecraftian mythos into an easily digestible movie based format, taking the concepts from the original stories and placing them into a screenplay that's more contemporary.
The basic gist of the thing is that a gay, suspiciously young history professor has to return to his hometown after the death of his mother to deal with the shitstorm that kind of event triggers. Upon arriving, weird shit ensues involving odd dreams and visions, scary monsters that live in the sewers and are actually about as threatening as a child, blah blah blah.
All in all, I found the story fairly simple to follow, but don't let that fool you. It seemed to be trying it's very hardest to make any kind of sense, and I got the impression that even though the writer/director was doing his level best to make it genuinely creepy and disturbing, every attempt to convey a sense of dread just came across as kind of funny. The Rosemary's Baby-esque way that everyone was acting only made it seem even funnier. It reminded me of a sketch on Big Train, not in content but in style, which made it virtually impossible to create any kind of mood deserving of what should have been a classic horror story.
As the plot drudges on, more and more people in the town start acting oddly, culminating in both the main character getting raped by none other than Tori Spelling! I'm sure her character was there for a reason, maybe they went to school together? By about the hour mark my memory was hemorrhaging dangerously so the details are a little fuzzy. Anyway, so, she rapes him with the assistance of her husband for unknown reasons, and more hilarity ensues when he's arrested for murder. Conspiracies abound, I never saw that one coming. I swear.
Whilst in jail, 'shit goes down' globally, and by this point I just stopped caring. Rioting and stuff happened, towns all over were in ruins, turns out that a cult in the town was planning to destroy the world with sea monsters, and somewhere in there the lead character managed to get his end away with some bloke who feels the need to make a point about how 'it's not a gay thing'. Though quite how you have had a good hard nobbing session with it being anything BUT a gay thing, is beyond me. Surely the act of fucking a member of the same sex is, by it's very definition, a 'gay thing'. I mean, you couldn't join the Ku Klux Klan and claim it's 'not a race thing', really, could you? Or have a triple bypass and claim it's 'not an open heart surgery thing'.
Turns out that Tori needed him to fertilise her monster eggs so she could spawn, and that this was all part of the plan, and then I just realised the horrible truth - This wasn't a real movie. It was an elaborate hoax. Someone had won a Blue Peter competition to make a movie and decided to let their retarded cousin who drank meths and huffed glue help with the writing. The retarded cousin then beat the Blue Peter Badge holder with a stick until he died and finished off the story before shitting himself and throwing his soiled pants out into the street. probably at an old lady.
Anyway, as with all films, there is a moral to this story. The climactic confrontation revealed an important insight into the writer's mind, which appeared to be thus: Don't be gay. If you are gay, you will wake the Dreamer and bring about the end of all that is.
So there.
I wouldn't say don't watch Cthulhu outright, I'm sure that some people would get a proper thrill out of seeing a glossy movie based on The Shadow over Innsmouth. They also might like a colorectal consultation or an endoscopy, or flaying.
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